Its been a very long time since I wrote in this Blog. Its been a very dark time in my treatment and its been hard to get motivated or even collect my thoughts really to write something. And worse, it would undoubtably end up being very negative and dark. I've been in a dark place for sometime now, but now I can feel myself coming out of it, slowly but surely. And all it took was me asking the Holy Spirit (more like pleading for guidance and answers) to assure me that I WOULD have my life back one day. That I am going to get better and get my life back- new and improved.
I didn't feel like I'd lost my faith during the last few dark weeks- but it just didn't seem enough at times to keep me up and feeling optimistic and centered spiritually. I felt like I had lost my way-yet my faith was still there. Its a complicated mix of emotions and faith that I doubt that I could explain. But really don't need to now because I am climbing my way out of the 'pit of despair' that I feel I have been stuck down in, and I see things clearer again and I feel stronger emotionally and spiritually.
And all it took was asking the Holy Spirit - and getting the answers that I needed to hear. Not that I hadn't heard these positive encouraging words before, I had. But I guess it was all about me being ready to ASK and that it had to be me ASKING to hear the answer in my heart and in my soul. It was a special moment between Ajay and I and the timing was uncanny. You know we have to keep our eyes and ears open for you never know WHEN or HOW you will get the answers to the questions you ask. But I know that today I asked the questions (okay- maybe it was more like a desperate plea) and Ajay himself spoke for the Holy Spirit and told me what I needed to hear- and I was ready to hear them because I know they were coming straight from The Holy Spirit. Not that its meaningless when Ajay has said encouraging speeches in the past when I was wallowing in the "pit of despair" but there's no doubt that there is a diference- and this was more powerful. It woke me up and pulled me out of the pit- and I felt a dark shroud lift off of me. I feel lighter and I feel the peace I had enjoyed earlier in this journey.
The last few weeks have been full of seizures, significant weight gain (due to the IV treatments/meds) and an emotionally dark time. The seizures were frequent, often and some were very long in length. They were pulling me down into the 'pit of despair' and there were days that I just wanted to cry. I functioned many days when I needed to- thanks to '5 hour energy' and raw determination, and I always put on a good front. I am an expert at that. Very few people have seen me truly at my lowest in all its rawness- and I promise that I will likely keep it that way. But I think its important to admit that I have been at my lowest moments in this journey to get my life back and get better- to be back in control of my immune system! And though I was at my lowest moments, and at times felt like there was nothing that could bring me back, the Holy Spirit once again came to the rescue and I am on my way back now- I am climbing OUT of the pit of despair!
So hopefully someone else can benefit from that. I am admitting the hard, dark truth- and its not pretty. And yet, I am coming back with the help of the Holy Spirit- well really the entire Holy Trinity! So NEVER lose your faith! And even if you have moments of weakness, just remember to pray, ASK for help, and you WILL receive an answer! You will get the graces and the help you need- you just have to be willing to humble yourself before God and ASK FOR HELP!
So once again this blog was started over a week ago (actually just after Easter which I got the flu bad including 'GI issues' like I've NEVER had, and was just starting to get better when this miraculous day with the Holy Spirit and Ajay happened. But then the very next day I had a severe reaction to a new seizure medication and the experience literally brought me to my knees. I will describe that 'adventure' in a separate blog to keep them focused on one event/time as much as possible. So although a bunch of these are getting posted at once, you should be discerning from my endings in italics that the actual blog and events occured a week ago or more. I will do my best to be more timely from this point on. After all- these are for me as much as those that want to follow my journey. So I need these for my journal anyway!
Thanks for taking the time to share these experiences with me. I hope that you too have a Holy Spirit moment or some Divine Intervention in your life that moves you and reminds you that you are a blessed child of God and the Holy Trinity is there for you- just ask and you shall receive.......
Blessings,
Mary
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